John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
