turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
