I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
