i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
