twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
