u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize