I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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