I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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