oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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