you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize