I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
