I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
