Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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