does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize