im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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