Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
