we have officially lost it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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