She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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