so let's talk penis.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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