so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
