My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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