Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
