I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
