I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
