i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
