I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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