either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
