True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
