God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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