I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
