The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
