chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My liver just had a heart attack.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So apparently I’m into choking now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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