Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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