her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
