If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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