i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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