Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
