you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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