you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
