Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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