thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
