It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
