I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
