dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
