I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
