my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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