you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
