I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
