I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
did i walk over a car last night?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
