Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
