it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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