I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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