I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
