My nipple is on Facebook.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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