Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
