Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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