We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
