awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
