Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Two words: blizzard sex
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
